Monday, February 2, 2015

Super Bowl 49: What the Hell Just Happened?

Disclaimer: I did not play for either team this Super Bowl. I never player for any professional team in any sport whatsoever because I, frankly, would not prove the greatest asset for that team. I stand as some guy who bitches from the safety of the sidelines while actual, hard-working athletes, who trained their entire lives, fight their asses off on the field.

That said, what the hell happened out there last night? Why, for the love of every god ever imagined, didn't Seattle run the ball in for the touchdown that would've resulted in their victory? Why would any sane person try to throw the ball?

Katy Perry would've known to run the ball. Of course, she rode atop a giant, metal tiger (lion?) thing, so I guess her ability to do so would've proven a bit easier. She also could've flown the ball in via that "the more you know" star she rode around on for some reason (music?).

The Seahawks fought their way towards a beautiful (and, at this point, typical) comeback only to make a terrible call at the last second and give the game away to the Patriots. I can't even imagine a Patriot player or fan happy to win that way.

The Seahawks threw away their game.

I, during the final thirty seconds of the game, considered the Super Bowl as good as won (provided none of the Seahawks fumbled). The game's conclusion seemed as predictable as a Liam Neeson movie. Hand the ball to a fellow Hawk and shove--with every available player--that Hawk over the goal line.

Damn it, Vishnu! You promised me a victory. I spilled blood for you! A lot of blood.

. . . so much blood.

When did pass interference become acceptable? I saw about a three and a half dozen plays that deserved a flag, yet not a single one of those legged barcodes blew his rape whistle.

<sigh> Let's proceed to what really matters, the Super Bowl commercials (yeah, seriously, that happens next).

Remember when Super Bowl commercials provided laughs? I sort of can, but it proves a fuzzy collage of memories. Advertisers now want to pull at our heartstrings with sad commercials that rarely share any commonality with the product or service they advertise.

One commercial, which ran so long that I suspected Peter Jackson directed it, showed us the frightful story of a boy and his mother, who watched his father/ her husband race professionally. He crashes and they stiffen with concern, terrified. I think the commercial advertised a car manufacturer, which seems odd if you think about it. "Buy our death machines. Scare your family." I suppose the intended message might exist as "our cars prove so safe that you can crash them," but that seems just as a bad.

I saw commercial that starred children without legs. I think it advertised a bank or a bus or something. Another commercial introduced us to a child killed by a drunk driver. I think a donut shop showed us an orphanage and puppy mill burn to the ground.

Two funny commercials did surface.

One starred the aforementioned Neeson in a commercial for a video game you play on your phone. I suppose the game features a plot where you possess all the answers but foolish women won't listen to you, and you end up shooting and punching your way through bad guys to protect those females who afterwards shower you with compliments to fulfill a middle-aged, male audience's ultimate, father-knows-best fantasy.

The other funny commercial featured a parody of the Brady Bunch. I think it advertised Snickers candy bars or Tire Kingdom or foot fetish porn. Who can tell anymore?

Thanks for reading.
Daughters of Darkwana received a sweet, succinct review, which you can read here, http://www.thebookeaters.co.uk/daughters-of-darkwana-by-martin-wolt-jr/


I publish my blogs as follows:
Sundays: Movie reviews at moviesmartinwolt.blogspot.com
Mondays: Short stories at martinwolt.blogspot.com
Tuesdays: A look at the politics of the entertainment world at EntertainmentMicroscope.blogspot.com.
Wednesdays: An inside look at my novels (such as Daughters of Darkwana, which you can now find on Kindle) at Darkwana.blogspot.com

Thursdays: Tips to improve your fiction at FictionFormula.blogspot.com

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