The Interview, Terrorists, & an America that's Lost its Nerve

When did Americans start to scare so easily? At what point did North Koreans decide what we could and couldn’t watch in theaters.

Sony recently canceled the theatrical release of their 44 million dollar movie, The Interview, which stands finished and ready to launch, as expected, on December 25th—except for the fact that theaters refuse to show it.

The reason? Sony pictures recently suffered a massive hacking job by, supposedly, North Korean hackers, who stole information from Sony in the forms of emails and entire, unreleased movies.

The hackers also left Sony a message, which read:

“We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places 'The Interview' be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to. Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made. The world will be full of fear. Remember the 11th of September 2001. We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time. (If your house is nearby, you'd better leave.) Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment. All the world will denounce the SONY.”

(Someone uses Google Translate)

Now we can’t watch The Interview, a comedy that stars Seth Rogen and James Franco in an assassination attempt against North Korean dictator and cheese enthusiast, Kim Jong-un.

Sure, we killed Kim’s father in Team America and beat him up on Saturday Night Live, but now that someone threatened us, we shut our mouths, stare at the ground, and wait for the big bully to go away.

Even a thriller that stars Steve Carell faces cancelation because of the aforementioned threat.

Forget that Captain America punched Hitler in the face on the cover of his comic books during the 40s, when Hitler remained alive and in power. Heck, Daffy Duck knocked Hitler’s teeth out a few times.

The Pillsbury Doughboy might’ve gotten in a sucker punch or two. Hitler’s punch-able.

Set aside, for the moment, however you might feel about The Interview as a movie. I don’t know what I think about it. I obviously haven’t seen it yet (or ever will).

I would want to see this movie released even if I hated it. Well . . . let me write more specifically:

The recent Amazing Spiderman 2 movie made me want to curl up into the fetal position and weep. That movie deserved to fail, to go bust, to lose money as punishment for a lazy job that insulted its fan base.

If people refused to go see it (once word spread of its abysmal quality), I would’ve pumped my fist in the air in celebration.

However, I would have protested if theaters decided to cancel the release of Spiderman because Peru threatened to egg our houses. I hope you see the difference.

The refusal to feature this movie because a hacker threatened us seems the second-most cowardly reaction a theater could produce in this situation.

Pretending that you decided not to feature the film out of sensitivity proves the most cowardly. I didn’t hear a word against this movie for its “insensitivity” prior to the online threat.

At least have the guts to admit you lack the guts to show the movie. Don’t chicken out of parachuting because you suddenly realized how insensitive it seems to flightless birds.

It’s not like when, after 9-11, we decided not to theatrically release that Jackie Chan movie that involved a window washer who uncovers a terrorist plot to destroy the World Trade Center.

That Jackie Chan movie would have felt insensitive. It made sense not to show it (Chan and the other filmmakers involved did not make this movie in any attempt at insensitivity. They completed the movie before 9-11 happened. Just to be clear).

I hate to write something so sexist, but could we, as Americans, grow a pair? Do we actually fear that three-foot, dictator with a bad heart and his gang of underfed thugs?

If The Interview arrived in theaters, and no one went to see it, for whatever reason, so be it, but this is . . . well, it’s not “censorship,” per se.

Movie theaters don’t have to show any particular movie. Their managers enjoy the right to pick and choose. However, those managers turned The Interview away from their screens for the wrong reasons.

Apparently, America not only negotiates with terrorists, we bow down and tremble against the vaguest threat thrown our way.

On the subject of terrorism . . .

Whenever I hear that people in another country committed some inconceivable act, I wonder if it really happened, or if the United States government invented or embellished the story.

I stand uncertain if this makes me a cynic or an optimist.

In light of that, you can imagine how difficult I found it to swallow that a group of ISIS “soldiers” stormed a school and gunned down children. Turns out, yeah, that happened, because God told them to do that.

Let’s set aside how preposterous that claim proves. Let’s pretend that it makes perfect sense. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that God—GOD!—materialized before these twat waffles like Obi-Wan Kenobi and said:

“I need you to shoot up a school.”

Let’s pretend that we all accept and believe that.

Regardless, does no point exist where you decide that your God’s horrible and you shouldn’t listen to him (or Her)?

Shouldn’t anyone respond to, “I need you to shoot up a school,” with: “Gee, God, I don’t think we can hang out, anymore. You’re a little too radical for me. I’m gonna have to un-friend you.”

Just saying.